How is it possible to have everything you need to make you happy and yet, still be unhappy? Easy– it’s called depression; a disease millions of people suffer from worldwide.
If you read one of my previous posts in the ‘fitness’ section of my blog then know all about my PMDD and anxiety disorder, my self-esteem issues, and self image distortions. But, what I’ve been in denial about is the probability of my having post partum depression.
They say that you never notice when something is going on with you. It’s usually always your spouse, your parents, or your doctor. My husband was put on high alert to keep an eye on me after I had our youngest because I was high risk for depression to become a problem. Although, I felt superior to the conflict going on inside my body and felt like I could handle things on my own or keep it a secret, like no one would realize when I was having a bad day. That was foolish…
My husband noticed about 4-5 months after E was born that I wasn’t myself. I cried a lot, wouldn’t answer the door if left at home alone, and was generally anti-social. And, although I speak in past tense, all the things I’ve mentioned so far continue to be a constant battle for me now.
We have recently both agreed that I should cut down on my hours as a volunteer until I feel more stable and supported. Even though I know this is the right thing for me to do, I can’t say that it’s easy. I feel like I’m failing, letting people down, not setting the example I should for our kids…etc. No matter how many times my husband assures me that I am a good wife and mother, I can never accept it. I am constantly down on myself and sure that he is mad at me for every little thing. I even feel like I’ve let him down if I skip a day of working out– and what should he care?!
I have been crying for most of the day today considering…and I now have an appointment at the doctor on Monday. I’m scared. I’m tired. I just want to be happy! I just want to feel normal…
I’m not usually one to write such personal blog posts but, I can’t just pretend that the last fabulous pair of shoes I bought is the biggest concern in my life right now either. I find that most of us are facing more trials than most people realize & sometimes putting on a happy face just isn’t enough. Sometimes an ootd isn’t enough. Sometimes not even you regular dose of Prozac is enough.
When I say anxiety/depression is a disease, I’m talking about the way it attacks you, they way it engulfs you mentally, physically, emotionally, and the taxing effort you have to put forth to fight even a fraction of it off. It’s exhausting, even when you know better times are ahead.
I’m at that point where I just want to be 7 years old and have my mom tuck me in bed and bring me chicken broth while all I have to worry about is watching my favorite movies. But, alas! I am an adult, and adults take responsibility for themselves, their feelings, and their tribulations. Now, it’s my turn to be accountable, for my health and happiness. I want to know my worth and prove I’m deserving of the love that surrounds me.
That sounds much easier said than done but, it’s supposedly not about the accomplished feat; instead, more of what it took to get you to the finish line. And what a welcome sight the finish of these terrible feelings is!